Well here we are almost a year later.  things went to the deep dark hole for quiet some time.  The medication reduction of Klonopin was great for a while, but then the effects of Valium and trying different drugs has paid its toll.  I hear daily how Kirk wants to commit suicide.  Ihear the desperation in his voice and see how withdrawn he is from life.  If hurts - to see him reduced to the bedroom - contact with no one and wanting only to figure out how to end his life.  People around do not understand and the support I felt in cancer treatment is not there for people with mental illness.  The doc yelled at me on the phone, telling me he had to do this or that.....he does not know Kirk.  He thinks he does and tries medication after medication until he finally says I can do no more.
We search once again for help.....we stumbled upon Dr. Pointon at the Corvallis Clinic.  I had heard she is rough on the edges because she is Texan....she is unbelievable.  she gets how the benzos have ruined his life.....she was appalled at how much he is on and felt it was malpractice.  She told us his brain will start to show dementia if we don't get him off it.  She is very black and white, which is what we needed.....problem is she is being released from the clinic......while she is here she will do what she can.  She has worked wonders already.
Kirk has been human again - no more suicide talks.  I can go to work without worrying about him being dead when I get home.  He is going to do this.  Praise god for this.
Our district has once again had to endure completed suicides, attempts and ideation of it.  I feel for those teachers and staff who feel they should have done more.  Moods are tense and the adults are hyper vigilant with watching out.  Rumors start and rumors end.....kids make statements that are not okay - I wonder if any kids will hit that wall and not really mean to complete the task, but do.  I am thankful that there is an awareness but I am not sure how much we can actually do to help.  I wonder how much standards and demands of this generation are driving them to this.  My own daughter is struggling with the "OAKS" test for math.  She has all her credits - she only needs to pass some sort of measure that shows someone she is worth it.  She has daily migraines over the stress and has a complete mental block on passing a "test"  I only want happiness for her - to be able to walk with her peers and enjoy all she has accomplished.  I see in her eyes her hurt and frustration.  She would never show this at school - she would be mortified if anyone knew her pain.  She has seen her father hurt in ways she should not have....I believe this has shown her why not to hurt herself, but I can not guarantee that.  She has overcome so much in her short life and yet it is not quite good enough for some one who makes this decisions at the government level.  We will get her through this and she will be successful.  She was presented recently with a situation where a classmate showed on social media a handful of pills and that she was going to spend the night with th em.  She did the right thing and reached out to those who could help this girl.  Turns out the girl was just wanting attention because she could not go out and get drunk....black out drunk.  She is fine and my daughter is a great example of kids watching out for kids.  We will get her on the podium in June - even if it is a Modified diploma because with her learning disability she can not crack a test that is supposed to decide if she will succeed in life.

The "K" drug withdrawal

It has been a few months since I posted on here.  It is now time to share.  Since the summer Kirk has been going through drug withdrawal from a drug that hurts too many and yet helps some.  We came to understand that this drug, when taken for long periods, can be very addictive and then very hard to get off of.
"Singer Stevie Nicks has publicized the dangers of Klonopin by describing her own detox from the prescription drug as "hellish" and worse than withdrawing from cocaine or heroin. In fact, Nicks was introduced to Klonopin at the Betty Ford clinic, with the intention of assisting her with new-found sobriety! Recovering addicts and alcoholics have all too often been helped off of one drug addiction by being introduced to a new one, all with the best of intentions, of course." - Benzos: more dangerous than the conditions they treat? Occasional Planet, September 14, 2011.

We tried for over two years to get someone to stand up and say I will help you get off this, and not just say, "when you are on something else", and then throw many drugs at you.  We stumbled upon an old friend who knew Kirk before and then saw how dysfunctional he was.  He started us down the path of removal.  If any of you have gone thru any kind of detox, you can appreciate the ups and downs of this process. You can understand how one feels all alone, when really you are not.  You can understand how one really wants and needs family around, even when they don't want to be.  YOu can understand how it would be so easy to give in to it and not continue on the path.  You can understand how the brain needs to heal, so much time needs to be spent in bed resting, and then now hard it is to get up and get going, because you know you need to.  YOu can understand how others say….you need to do it for yourself, which of course you know, but you would like to hear "and for us so we can spend time together."  You can really understand how negative you can get and how your brain will say the dumbest things, and not mean them.  They call that "purging" and is just part of the process.  It is all a process and every step is hard.  It is very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there.  

For those of you not going through this, please try to understand the person who is.  The littlest thing can be so important - a text, hug, phone call, hug, "how are you", did I say hug……the littlest action can be taken the wrong way and leave the person helpless to get past it.  Emotions are raw during this time and feelings are hyper or hypo all the time.  The person tries to figure it all out and can't concentrate long enough to do it, or they can not shut off their brain to stop thinking about it. The person wants to get back into life. One day can and the next day can not.  They have trouble sleeping, eating, exercising and just talking without being negative.  They can not leave the house; talk to others or do simple pleasures like drive the car, take a bath or make a meal.  They can not see anyones else's perspective at all. Please understand this is not the way they want to be - they just want to feel human again.  Even then it will be hard work, but at least they may be better able to cope.  Please understand that even though it takes away from your day, a few minutes may make the difference in their hanging in there and continuing their quest.  It may help them see that others are worth fighting for and that you do really care.  Please forget the times they have made you mad, disappointed you or ruined your day.  Please be patient and supportive, it may be your turn one day.  If you are family please remember it was not always this way and with support it will change.

I have seen Kirk go from 6 pills to now 3/4's of a pill.  (A major feat yet  some will say, why did it take so long.) He will have to then taper off the Valium they have been using to taper the Klonopin. This is still a long road that he had hoped would be done by Thanksgiving…..it appears it will not.  Holidays are hard for him anyway so this year will be very tough.  Please remember that and try to support him. 

From my perspective  I have seen him cut off from family and friends ( some his doing some not).  I have seen him at his darkest moments, talking about death and crying uncontrollably for hours in the middle of the night.  I have seen his strength and endurance disappear so that he is now weak and could not exercise if he had to.  I have seen his smile and ageless face, age.  I have seen him with a look of despair that i can not fantom, all the while having to endure it quietly so family are not ashamed of him.  It has been a very hard road and the journey is not over yet.  Please consider a prayer, hug, text or phone call to give that support, even if he does not talk to you or says the wrong thing.  He is scared to death that he will offend one of you, and does not mean to. He has no self worth right now and just wants to be needed. He does not see he has contributed to his family, kids or society….all of which is not true.  He feels he is a disappointment and embarrassment to his family and friends.  He does not need your harsh comments or lack of respect. He just wants peace and above all your respect. So today as we honor vets, (which he is one), please honor the war he is in with his own body….he truly is worth it.  I have also suffered through this with working full time; still caring for his mum; supporting a senior in high school and being there when I am home, no matter what time of day.  I too could use the support so I can keep going and be who I need to be…..

Well it has been over a year since I last wrote on this.   Things have not changed much and if I read the last entry I realize that Kirk was suffering just as much last year.  The difference this year is he wants to get off the drug that is creating this mess.  He wants off Klonopin and on to living.  We have either phoned or gone to over 20 places.....the same response is heard.  "It is criminal that people have let you be on the amount of medication, for this long, and with a benzodiazapine."  Everyone agrees he needs off it, but the system is not willing to take that stand with him and get him off.  We have heard too many times it is tough, can kill you and will take a long time. We have also heard.....you need a psychiatrist or you need to do this or take your pick, which med would you like....Right now he is working with a clinic that we thought was going to be the right place.  However the doctor literally yelled at us which did not help at all.  A difference of opinion, yet someone who is supposed to have the compassion to be an addiction specialist.  So now we are back to square one.  Back to daily crying, negative talk, and pure depression. He has though reduce the medication by 1/2 pill.....which is major apparently.   Some days he has no will to get better and some days he does.  Some days he can be functional, but most he can not.  He has trouble sleeping and staying focussed on anything.   I am at my wits end trying to support him . His mother and I are the only two who really understand him and we could use some help.  I want to reach out to our friends and family for support.  Phone calls (541-231-0798), texts to same number, comments on here or just time spent with him would be greatly appreciated.  I am trying to convince him to go into a medical detox but he is scared and wants to know that his family and friends will be there for him when he comes out and will support him doing this.  If he does not I fear he will succumb to this disease and I will feel like we have failed him.

Anxiety continues

So here we are almost a year from the time I found out I had cancer.  A year from the time Kirk started to have more and more anxiety.  He has now resorted to life in the bedroom.  He can not stomach leaving the house for any length of time so does not.  He has endured so many doctors, so many opinions and so many treatment plans, that he is done.  HE does not sleep at night and only doses in the day time.  He does not exercise anything beyond his mind, which is in overdrive.  He can not see the beauty in anything nor can he see a future in anything.  I am helpless to help him, as he won't go see anyone.  I have been trying to find help, that might come to the house, but "the system" does not get that people with anxiety/depression often can not leave the house, so how can they get help.  We do not do a good job in this country with the hidden diseases.  I will be posting a slideshow of his work, soon to show the talent and beauty inside him, that now is trapped in there.  Please support those you know who also suffer....this is just not fair and hard to understand unless you walk in their shoes.

Radiation anxiety

So treatment has started and I am on a emotional roller coaster.  I am  trying to be positive and happy but all around me  are not positive and happy.  Kirk is really struggling with all this and trying to work on his anxiety at the same time.  He is so quick to get upset and I am still the one in the range of his despair.  His anxiety prevents him from so much and he just needs support that I can not give him.  That of his children.  Alicia has been wonderful.  She does as best she can to help and understand but she also has a heavy load between school, soccer,friends and her health.  Our son  has his life and we are not often part of it.  A friend of mine is going through a very tough round of cancer.  Her family ( for which I am very happy for her) is always rallying around her.  They have been great.  That has been so cool and yet hurtful to watch.  We have lots of extended family  who have all been great.   Anxiety is a killer in many cases, and stopping it can be the difference between quality life and not having any quality to life.  For me anxiety is slower creeping into my life in my body, despite the years I have watched it in Kirk. I truly think it has caused my cancer.  I hope that it will change sometime soon.

Anxiety - the cousin to depression.  I truly don't think you can have one without the other. It has been a  while and lots has happened, but most significantly is anxiety has taken over our life, much more than depression.  Anxiety over illnesses and sickness that does not seem to be fair.  Anxiety over not having any kind of relationship on a routine basis with family.  Anxiety over getting off medication that was probably creating more issues than not.  Anxiety over watching a loved one get sick, almost die and then somehow bounce back four times in one year.  Anxiety over having to place that individual in a nursing home because you can not do it anymore.  Anxiety over wondering every time the phone rings if  she is sick again and on the way to the hospital ......wait my wife has what..... cancer...... major anxiety and withdrawal because the anxiety never goes away and it is eating him up.  Anxiety because why me....why me cancer.....wait you can not hit rock bottom right now.....I need you......so more depression and guess what depression for other family members because they are burned out.
My point is  many of us have anxiety and its cousin depression that is because of day to day issues.  These are different than that of someone who is chemically depressed or full of anxiety.  But the result is similar. So I find myself with cancer and with that I begin to understand the loneliness that sickness can bring.  People say they understand, but they don't.  People fall apart and you are somehow to blame.  People say well at least it has a cure, while mine does not.  Not fair
It has been a long summer and too much has happened.  Through it the one thing that has kept me floating is life and wanted to be there for our daughter.  Our son does not grasp our need to be close. He may or may not some day but with or without him I will beat this and in the end maybe the anxiety and depression that has plagued our family will turn around. The one who suffers from it the most has had to rise to the occasion and help the one who is suffering inside and can't share it because she is still too busy helping everyone else, while doing treatment for herself.

Reflections on My Life with a loved one who has Depression

I have learned about depression the hard way, day to day with my spouse. He experiences it daily and is daily struggling to understand and to have others understand. He has a personality that can light up a room. He has lows that can depress a room. He helps the most needy, but when it comes to others understanding his needs, most don’t. They like him when he is happy and cannot understand he needs support. He looks okay and should be functional. Many days he is not. Many days he hides a lot of his pain by trying to be active and be a participator. He has very dark days and for a long time would not talk about them. Most people don’t see them and don’t realize how he retreats to the bedroom. He has days he cannot get out of bed; cannot face people and cannot leave the house. He gets angry at the smallest thing and says things he does not mean. He has a gift of understanding though. He understands and helps the most disadvantaged youth and families. He understands the beauty of nature and life and strives to show this in his photographs. He loves to show others how to capture this too. He has an understanding of what it takes to stop someone from ending their own life, which he has done on several occasions. He was there when several young people most needed a helping hand and had turned to him. He has also missed that opportunity for several people near and dear to him. He will give to the day he dies, even if people never understand him. For so long he did not want people to know about his depression because he did not want people to judge him. He was ashamed of his own being. Now he (we) wants others to understand so they can help those who also suffer needlessly.

I knew the day I met my husband that I was to be with him the rest of my life. I did not fully understand why until I really began to know him. NO one has seen the hurt on his face the way I have. No one has experienced watching him so desperate that he sleeps his day away, rather than fight with the demons inside. No one has seen him the way I have, try to be whole and try to get people’s acceptance, only to be stabbed in the back by these same people later when they misread him. No one understands how he pulled himself up by his shoestrings to stop drinking from sun down to sunset (this his only escape from depression for some time) to live life and help others. No one understands how he can shoot weddings and be so fun to be around and then be in bed for two days to recover from doing this. No one understands how he feels each day he awakes, to the hope that today will be a bright day, not a grey one. He says he has very few bright days, despite his attempts to surround himself with things he loves to do and the people he loves to be around. No one understands why he cannot always do what he has planned to do – looked forward to doing – and instead has to retreat to his bedroom.

In 2003 a friend of our family committed suicide in a desperate attempt to escape the depression and darkness that he felt surrounded him. As the family spoke and read of his short life I could not help but relate all too well. They described a person who loved life and wanted only the best for those around him. He loved to make people laugh and in an odd way be the center of attention, when really the attention was very scary for him. They talked of a natural love of understanding for those who are very different – be it age, race, income, ability or education. He had a need to not let others into his dark world, and tried to hide it with humor. If it was not for the age of the young man being remembered, this could have been my husband’s funeral. The difference is he is here and trying to cope with the feelings this young man gave in to. Watching our friends grieve reminded me also how this was not the first time depression has shown its ugly face in my family. A family member killed himself over darkness and seeming lost hope too. He too was young, had just graduated from college, gotten married and had a life to look forward to. He was my husband’s best friend, first cousin and someone who suffered when no one knew it. He took his life and it was kept secret for a long time, as to how he died, because in the 70’s there was a lot of shame attached. My own mother drank to be happy. She too had lots to live for and could not see that. She died in her sleep a very lonely yet well loved lady. Our own son struggles with his dad’s depression. He tries to understand but he also wants it to change so he can enjoy happy times, not just sad ones. He has the genes and will have to watch it too, but I pray he has an understanding of when to get help if he feels he just is slipping into that world. Right now he is trying other ways to be happy, which are working for him. We are thankful for that.

Well here we are many years later and yet another young man has ended his life. He was the younger brother of a friend of my sons. He was a young man full of life – talent and promise. The Chaplin who talked about him at his memorial service put it is perspective and reassured the students there that they should not be mad at him, not blame him but embrace his need for calmness in his life. He described a life of pain that once again is all too familiar to those of us who suffer for people we love whom have depression. He again described my husband and all that he is and tries to be. He described how misunderstand and yet full of wisdom people who experience depression are. He talked about the need for simple things and peaceful existence. How explained how those of us who do not experience it personally, cannot really understand it. Nor can we understand why that day was different, why that day he chose to end his life. He did this in front of the mother of the young man I talked about earlier. He ( the Chaplin) broke down into tears many times while trying to reach out to the captive audience. He got it and I surely hope some others there did too.

So once again we have a young man who just could not see any other way to end his misery. He too hung himself, again after trying treatment and again not doing well with the treatment. Again a high school has to rally around its students while all the while also around staff members, as this was a staff members son. This comes way to soon to imagine, for all at this school, being on the heels of an already bad month. I notice today that someone has painted the rock at the school to say Love Life. Someone gets it and is making sure others do too.

On the front page of the paper yesterday was an article about the first suicide.... a mothers plea to help others out there, help their children and loved ones. Although many may say is it not too soon to be doing this, she is trying to make sense of it all. The rocks at that school is still painted for her son. Many people are speaking out and hoping for the change that will help others.