Well here we are almost a year later.  things went to the deep dark hole for quiet some time.  The medication reduction of Klonopin was great for a while, but then the effects of Valium and trying different drugs has paid its toll.  I hear daily how Kirk wants to commit suicide.  Ihear the desperation in his voice and see how withdrawn he is from life.  If hurts - to see him reduced to the bedroom - contact with no one and wanting only to figure out how to end his life.  People around do not understand and the support I felt in cancer treatment is not there for people with mental illness.  The doc yelled at me on the phone, telling me he had to do this or that.....he does not know Kirk.  He thinks he does and tries medication after medication until he finally says I can do no more.
We search once again for help.....we stumbled upon Dr. Pointon at the Corvallis Clinic.  I had heard she is rough on the edges because she is Texan....she is unbelievable.  she gets how the benzos have ruined his life.....she was appalled at how much he is on and felt it was malpractice.  She told us his brain will start to show dementia if we don't get him off it.  She is very black and white, which is what we needed.....problem is she is being released from the clinic......while she is here she will do what she can.  She has worked wonders already.
Kirk has been human again - no more suicide talks.  I can go to work without worrying about him being dead when I get home.  He is going to do this.  Praise god for this.
Our district has once again had to endure completed suicides, attempts and ideation of it.  I feel for those teachers and staff who feel they should have done more.  Moods are tense and the adults are hyper vigilant with watching out.  Rumors start and rumors end.....kids make statements that are not okay - I wonder if any kids will hit that wall and not really mean to complete the task, but do.  I am thankful that there is an awareness but I am not sure how much we can actually do to help.  I wonder how much standards and demands of this generation are driving them to this.  My own daughter is struggling with the "OAKS" test for math.  She has all her credits - she only needs to pass some sort of measure that shows someone she is worth it.  She has daily migraines over the stress and has a complete mental block on passing a "test"  I only want happiness for her - to be able to walk with her peers and enjoy all she has accomplished.  I see in her eyes her hurt and frustration.  She would never show this at school - she would be mortified if anyone knew her pain.  She has seen her father hurt in ways she should not have....I believe this has shown her why not to hurt herself, but I can not guarantee that.  She has overcome so much in her short life and yet it is not quite good enough for some one who makes this decisions at the government level.  We will get her through this and she will be successful.  She was presented recently with a situation where a classmate showed on social media a handful of pills and that she was going to spend the night with th em.  She did the right thing and reached out to those who could help this girl.  Turns out the girl was just wanting attention because she could not go out and get drunk....black out drunk.  She is fine and my daughter is a great example of kids watching out for kids.  We will get her on the podium in June - even if it is a Modified diploma because with her learning disability she can not crack a test that is supposed to decide if she will succeed in life.